Year 5, cont...
This post continues by "Year 5-Part 1 Journals..."
January 3rd, 2010
I am trying to figure out how long it will take me to pay off my credit card. If I pay 200 dollars a month it will take me until August. August? That’s a long time…. My class reimbursement and our step increase on March 1st should help. I really hope we get raises next school year.
January 5th 2010
School was good today. Kids were good and productive. I am behind on grading due to the snow day, but, oh well. I will just have to get my grade on for the next two weeks.
I am not excited about my grad classes starting since then it will get crazy again, and I will have to drop off the face of the planet, but at least it is a productive use of time.
January 27, 2010
I can definitely feel the three weeks of teaching Saturday school weighing in on me. I have been time-warped all week. Today felt like it should’ve been Friday.
I am a little mad at myself for signing up for two graduate classes, although I would have been mad at myself for singing up for one class every time I looked at my bank account. I don’t really want to finish this masters program anymore, but I will because I am already halfway there. My problem with it is not the school itself, but the time it takes. How am I supposed to be a teacher, in a family, and me, while also taking classes, etc............?
January 31, 2010
Tomorrow I start my commute to work. [We used to walk to work but the only house we could afford was 45 minutes from our job, so we started commuting.]
February 1, 2010
I am feeling teacher burnout. On my way to work this morning I just felt blaaaahhhh….but it did take me 40 minutes to get to work today, and I felt that I would rather trade my job in than move again. I am young. Now would be the time to switch jobs if I wanted to. But I also just feel tired, very tired, and I know I am not thinking clearly.
My kids have to do more writing. More writing. They haven’t done a sufficient amount in my mind.
Later…
I feel better. I ate lunch with people. I made myself since people usually make me feel better. My classes on block 1 days are amazing. I don’t know what I would do or how I would feel without them. Sometimes teachers need the students-not the other way around.
Anyway. Is it time for a career change? I am hoping I feel this way because I have too much on my plate right now. I just want to go home instead of running around like a crazy person every day.
February 3, 2010
We had a snow day today-hallelujah. I am glad that I got to miss my afternoon meeting and that I only had to go to my graduate class.
February 16, 2010
My commute is awful. Today is took me somewhere between 50-55 minutes to get from door-to-door. I can’t do this. Maybe I should be a librarian.
February 10, 2010
My grad classes are stressful. My goal is to NEVER EVER take more than 1 class at a time ever again.
February 16, 2010
Today was a good day at work but most are after a few snow days. I wish I could feel like this all the time at school.
I dread grad school; it’s just too much.
February 17, 2010
Maybe I’ll become a software developer. I never get teaching right. I always feel discouraged.
February 22, 2010
Did you know that I live in a world where kids get beat by their parents? A student came to school today with half of his face black and blue. I felt so overwhelmed and so sad for him.
March 10, 2010
I am really not enjoying the grad classes I am in. What bothers me the most is the time wasted. To me, it all comes down to how you spend your minutes. I like being a teacher. My days feel useful. But at the end of the day, I need some fresh air.
I do not know if I want to finish the program.
March 13, 2010
Grad class is really frustrating for me because I am bored and a lot (but not all) of this stuff I have learned already. Some of it I haven’t, but by the time that stuff comes up, I am bored and distracted.
After my daily post-grad class cry and freak out, I calm down a little. I am always stressed about money. I am so angry and frustrated about my role in my own life. I feel like a zombie: someone who looks on while this mindless robot does things she hates to try and pay her bills. I hate this person who does not own her own life. For the last year and a half I have been taking classes and doing stupid things like coaching in order to pay the bills. My debt controls me. It stresses me to no end. As some point I need to deal with it and face it head on. I work on Saturdays and I’m taking classes, so I am doing a lot, but I am going to get a dinky raise in June for all of my grad class work and then not another until 2011. Damn it alllllllllllllll. It will be a year and a half after my June raise until we get another.
March 14, 2010
I have 140 dollars to live on until March 29. It should be okay because I only need gas for my car. We have a lot of food. I am hoping it will be enough until the 27th.
I sleep on an air mattress.
I am a bad friend to the friends I have left. Grad school keeps me busy and broke. I can’t wait until my classes are over. I want my friends back.
I don’t want to work Saturday school until next November. I actually like Saturday school, but I think I’ll go a little crazy when the sun comes out.
March 24, 2010
In general I am starting to see that there’s so much out there for me to learn and that having to attend class one night a week may not be the worst thing for me. I need to start thinking about my next degree because now that I’ve started, there’s no way in hell I am stopping because I don’t think I could convince myself to start again after taking a break.
March 25, 2010
Today I had to drag myself through work and I can’t believe I have another day tomorrow.
As for my masters, I am going to finish this program and then keep on going with another. I have to. If I stop I will never take classes again because it’s hard to do all this… but I have to because I feel I deserve to get paid well for the work that I do. I like being a teacher. I like the feeling that every day I put my hands in the dirt and build something.
Sometimes teaching really sucks and I get a headache, but sometimes it doesn’t.
April 4, 2010
Had a great week off. I finally feel like I can go back to the real world and do what I need to do: finish grad school.
April 7, 2010
A few more weeks of classes. Sigh. School is always on my mind. This week was hard but at least it is the tail end of my grad class flurry.
Should I pursue a doctorate?
April 19, 2010
I need a life. I have been working my ass off this year. I hit a wall last Saturday. Slam. I haven’t been able to start my engine since. I haven’t done anything this whole year except go to work, come home, do school work, go to grad school, work on the house, and then work Saturday school. I kept strong for a while but now I am done. I just want to finish out my school year strong, catch up with my grading, and really help some kids.
April 21, 2010
Grad classes over the school year=bad.
Grad classes over the summer=good.
April 23, 2010
Sick of grad school.
May 9, 2010
Life is chaotic but good. The house is a ton of work. Grad school is a ton of work. I am working summer school this summer because I think if I ever want to travel, we’re going to have to finish fixing up the house, and that costs money. So. Summer school.
May 19, 2010
We are free writing in class today. When I asked the kids what they would write about if they could write anything, a lot of them didn’t know. It’s even a struggle for me to pick an idea, and that’s what I think is wrong with our brains these days…no ingenuity. I think free writing can remedy these sorts of issues.
May 20, 2010
Right now I regret signing up for summer school.
May 21, 2010
We’re free writing in my 1st period today I asked the kids to write about a place where they like to be alone, and it was funny because some kids always said they didn’t like being alone. I like being most anywhere by myself. It’s just a matter of getting that time.
June 24, 2010
Almost last day of school. I definitely did 100% better than last year, but I am still not doing my best.
July 17, 2010 (Summer school)
Summer school is more work than I anticipated. I am applying a lot of what I have been learning in my grad school classes.
July 26, 2010 (Summer school)
I don’t understand why I work my ass off to live in a scary house, on the highway, behind a seedy hotel, but I GUESS it’s because, eventually, I DON’T WANT TO LIVE HERE. Really, though, unless we win the lottery, we can’t afford a house with a yard any closer to work AND I AM NOT MOVING ONE MORE INCH AWAY FROM SCHOOL.
This is the end of my "Year 5-Part 2 Journal Entries." Journals are continued here: "Year 6"
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