This blog continues my journal entries from my 4th year of teaching. (Last post Year 4-Part 2).
March 14, 2009
This whole year I have been an incredible stress ball and I’ve barely seen any of my friends. I don’t want to coach. I am going to do the best I can while I am involved but as soon as I can stop, I will.
March 17, 2009
I’m just so frustrated this year because I feel so out of sync. I still have two months left. I can’t be responsible for all of my students and all of my players; it’s crushing me. I have to learn to say “no” next year. I just wish I could see into the future so I wouldn’t let anybody down.
March 18, 2009
Being head coach is not hard because of the actual coaching, it’s hard because of the decision making and peace keeping that needs to be done…. and all the little stuff that I didn’t even know I had to deal with: Fundraising. Injuries. Playing time. Band trips. Clashing personalities.
I really like all of the coaches I get to work with this year, but it’s getting hard to straddle the personalities of the coaches. They see things differently, and both have good reasons for their actions and thoughts, but I’m always caught in the middle.
It’s more important than ever to stay positive because we are knee deep into a season…and it’s been a hard season because we’re getting pummeled so far. The girls really need a win for team morale.
I will finish up the year and then make some decisions.
March 19, 2009
I have a reputation for always being hungry and grumpy. Well, guess that’s true. It goes against everything I want to be. It’s taking me a really long time to adjust and make friends this year and I’ve been really cranky. But all of a sudden I woke up today ready to go-just like that.
As a person I really want to keep working on being positive and encouraging kids to do their best. I think once in awhile the lacrosse girls need to be yelled at, but it is against my nature and it is not really something I want to do.
I’ve been working hard to make up for things after I screw up but ultimately I would like to not screw up in the first place!!!!!!!
March 21, 2009
I was just starting to like lacrosse and then I got a phone call from Coach Melissa this morning because two of our players were in pictures with beer and beer paraphernalia. I was so angry. I’m still angry. I’m just too stressed out. How may more weeks of this? I don’t know but I really need to start taking care of myself. I feel down because I’m trying to juggle too many balls and therefore sucking at all of them.
March 23, 2009
It is so hard to keep friends. This year I have spent a lot of time worrying about the friends I’ve lost.
March 25, 2009
Today was a nice normal day at work and practice. To top it all off, I have a night to myself.
March 28, 2009
A day to myself. Finally.
March 29, 2009
This year my bank account is always empty. I just keep refreshing my online bank account hoping money will appear. I keep refreshing my credit card to see if some of my balance has disappeared. I really feel behind the ball. I can’t get my credit card paid off. I’m finding it hard to exercise and eat well. I do not feel comfortable with my curriculum, so in general, I feel like I’m not succeeding and it makes me feel down.
My goals for July are to work and to take two classes and to take the GRE before I go to Australia [with student travel company I was working for].
Although I overcommitted myself this year, I know school, coaching, and grad school are all good things. But I guess I’ve learned that just because I can do something doesn’t mean that I should.
March 30, 2009
We played T.D. Tech today and lost 15-6. I am not worked up about it, just lost. It seems we are always up against teams with more skill, more speed, and more bruisers.
April 10, 2009
This year I have not put time into myself as a teacher. In a nutshell, I have sucked. Too much going on. I know I can do better.
Still searching for a masters program that will bring my teaching to a better level.
April 21, 2009
I am 3/4 of the way through April and almost done with lacrosse.
There are 9 weeks left of school.
This school year has been ok, but I am not fully happy with my performance. As much as I talk about being a slacker…I’m not. I like to do my best at whatever I am doing. That being said, I want to finish the school year strong.
All in all though, I really like my job and I am happy to be here.
April 26, 2009
I am signed up for my grad class. I think it will be good for me to go to UVA and get my reading specialist degree. [This degree did help my teaching and my salary, but in general, no one in the high school gave a fly fuck that I had these skills.]
I think I am learning that I am generally happy in any school setting whether it be middle or high school. Last year I had to make a move. Now that I have, though, I’m not sure the high school is where I want to be. Teachers don’t work together like we did in middle school. I sort of miss that because in middle school you can worry about kids as a team instead of trying to deal with every struggling kid on your own.
I also have this fear of being incapable. I am afraid of taking on older kids because I think I will be inadequate, and I feel this way often about things I want to do.
April 28, 2009
So burnt out. I have 8.5 weeks of school left. I technically have 7.5 left and that does not feel like a consolation. I am sick again and I am convinced it’s from stress.
I do not feel I had a successful first year at my new school. Too much going on. I’ve hit this wall twice before already in my teaching career: my 1st year teaching and my 1st year coaching lax. In fact, the only time I did not hit this wall was last year-which I am now coining as my bronze year of teaching. It certainly was not a perfect year but it was the best I had done yet. And this year I forgot the major lesson I learned last year: Take care of yourself first.
May 5, 2009
Wow! I have, like, five free minutes to myself in my classroom today. I feel terrible because I haven’t stayed past 3:25 since the season started. Most of the time I am out of here by 3:05. Stuff is piled so high around me that I don’t know where to being.
May 7, 2009
Today was a really nice day. I woke up early and went to the gym. I walked to school (school was fine), went to practice (we let them have a fun day), walked to Giant and cooked a nice dinner.
Lax has been a little much. I am going to dedicate my career to reading and writing, and I hope I can coach again in the far future.
May 11, 2009
Preparing ahead of time would’ve made a big difference in helping me feel successful this year…Lesson learned hopefully. I’m a slow learner.
May 12, 2009
Patience.
Patience.
Patience.
Patience.
Patience.
Patience.
May 27, 2009
I feel so discouraged about my teaching. I know that I can do better. Today I did a lot of paper work and it was so boring and I couldn’t wait for my 6th period to get in. They have gotten better than they were, but still, have I really made a difference?
June 5, 2009
Today I interviewed to teach a two-week class over the summer but I didn’t get the job. No hard feelings. I think it is a blessing for me in disguise.
June 15, 2009
Wow! Last week of school! This year has flown and I don’t know where it went! I’ve had a lot of ups and downs. It’s been a good year overall even though it’s been challenging. [I clearly had not gone back and read my journals from the middle of the year when I wrote this.]
June 23, 2009
It has been a chaotic 12 days. My brain is starting to act a bit cockeyed due to the amount of information I am trying to fit into it. I’m trying to take in everything from my human development class, my GRE book, and my planning for this two-week class. [I ended up getting the job.]. Life is good.
This is the end of my "Year 4-Part 3 Journal Entries." Year 5-Part 1" continues here:
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