This blog post is the continuation of my Year 4-Part 1 post. In this series, I take on too many responsibilities and my mental health suffers. Looking back on these posts, I can't believe I kept trying to pile more stuff on to the too much stuff I was already doing, but I also remember being so broke and wanting to not be broke and I couldn't do that without picking up more jobs...
January 6, 2009
Today was a great day! I am having a lot of fun despite the chaos, and I am glad that I started Word Study.
January 7, 2009
I am finally on the road with lesson plans. Life is good. But lacrosse coaching is starting soon and with it more chaos . I want to sign up for a graduate program but I am afraid of the ensuing stress and chaos.
January 13, 2009
Another great day. The kids are calm and focused, I am organized, and we are all getting the hang of one another. It’s the first day all year that I haven’t prayed for 3:00.
January 18, 2009
I don’t think I can be a traditional classroom teacher.
January 21, 2009
11:30 pm
After a few hours of catch up sleep, a good dinner, and some cookies, I feel a lot better. I was so down in the dumps after school today. It was one of those days. I was frustrated with my kids, with my inexperience, with the school system in general, and my lack of action thus far in securing another means of income. I felt a lot better after I put in a tutoring application. I am only looking for 1-3 clients right now. That will give me the cash I need to pull myself out of credit card debt and then hopefully put away for travel.
Maybe I CAN do this; maybe I can get ahead. Maybe I do not have to live with that constant knot in my chest.
January 29, 2009
I am looking at grad schools.
February 10, 2009
Today was good for a lot of reasons. First, I woke up at 5:40 am and went to yoga…WOW. That’s only a big deal if you’ve known me for the last 25 years. I went to school and worked liked crazy to catch up with my lacrosse paper work. I got pretty far but I still have a lot to do tomorrow morning. School went well but I still don’t know what to do with my SPED kids. They are bombing out like nobody’s business. Getting my masters in SPED is looking better and better. Reading would be helpful, too, so I don't know...
February 11, 2009
Right now I am coaching, tutoring, and working with People to People. [PtP was a travel company that pays for teachers to travel if they supervise a group of students on the trip. This group has since shut down amid a few scandals...].…but I am totally pooped.
Tutoring is way too much. That has to wait until I am done with grad school. If I work all day, even if it isn’t for money, it will come back to me down the road in some other way…right? I don’t want to feel this drained and, on top of it, squeeze in tutoring or another job; it will kill my relationships. No amount of money will make my life better if I am a surly person.
February 13, 2009
I feel so worthless right now. I feel like a sucky teacher. I have no clue what I am doing right now as head lacrosse coach. My car broke down, and I have no money to get a new one. I physically feel like shit. I am barely scraping by. My bf must think I am losing it. I feel like I am losing it. I am sick of being a teacher because I am tired of pushing kids to the brink. I’m tired of pushing the curriculum on them.
I think UVA would be a great opportunity for grad school, but all I see is five more years of feeling like I’m going to lose it any second. Why do I never learn my lesson? I didn’t like coaching the first time around, but I was thinking about the money… like a jerk. I don’t really know what to do from here…
I want to learn. I don’t want to feel burdened by my naiveté.
I want to help kids.
When will I know balance? When will I learn patience? When will I honor and be good to all commitments/friends I take on in my life? Where do people turn to find these answers? How can I be a more understanding human? How can I care for all of my students?
February 20, 2009
I am so exhausted and sick of kids this week.
I feel socially overwhelmed. I am so tired when I get home that I don’t want to be around anyone. This is something I want to change. When I come home in the afternoons I want to be able to hang with family and friends and not feel overwhelmed by it. I am a mess. I’ve been so tightly wound the last two weeks [tryout season] that it’s hard to unwind.
I feel like this right now because of a lot of things. I have 3 brand new tasks on my plate: teaching ninth grade, working for People-to-People, and being a head coach. I can’t stand it when I don’t know what’s going on, and I’ve got three areas pulling on me right now. The problem with all of these things, too, is that my mistakes are not just for my eyes. They affect others in my classroom and on my team. Everyone had to listen to me complain today. I hate being that person, but when I get this stressed I just can’t even control myself and it just runs out of my mouth before I get a chance to stop it. I hate that. So many things pissed me off today. So many kids complaining.
And under all of this I am constantly thinking: am I on the right path? Do I want to live here?
February 25, 2009
I had to cut a girl from the lacrosse team today, and I really feel bad about it. I know it was the right decision but still, this is really hard.
February 27, 2009
Ugh. I’m so tired. I’m working too hard. I’m working so hard I do not have any energy for anyone or anything. By the time I get home I’ve spent so much time trying to be nice to everyone all day that I hit rock bottom once the day is over. I feel coaching is a good use of my time but I am exhausted.
I am grateful for my family, my boyfriend, and my job.
Also, how awesome were my kids today? I need to write a note to the creator of the House on Mango Street unit that I am using. It’s awesome and the kids are enjoying it. Today they had to write a list of ten events from their life that made them who they are. I didn’t realize that I knew so little about my students. I was ashamed, actually.
February 28, 2009
I think it will be a good idea for me to do the reading education master’s at UVA. I know I will like it and get a lot out of it.
March 2, 2009
We had a snow day today. THANK GOD.
March 7, 2009
I am really surprised at how much I like lacrosse. It’s been three weeks and it’s gone so fast I was shocked when I counted up the days and saw how long it had been. This week we have three games, so it’s going to fly.
But we need to cover so much that I am nervous. I am glad I bought a coaching book; it shows me just how much there is that needs to get done. It will take years. I am also lucky to have an experienced staff. I don’t know if they learn anything from me, but I am definitely learning from them. I just hope that we do well; I’m not sure what the competition looks like, but I will make sure to take detailed notes and save them to use them this year and next. I am so looking forward to spring break, though. I’ve got a lot going on but they are all good things that I hope will put me ahead and get me to where I want to be financially.
March 8, 2009
I spent the whole weekend in bed. Lacrosse started, I was outside in cold weather, I was stressed to the max, and boom: sick. I really need to relax more like this when I am healthy.
March 9, 2009
How do I teach players to play with intensity?
March 10, 2009
Writing this research paper with geography is a disaster. Have I mentioned that I hate doing new things? I feel like shit and I don’t know what I am doing and I don’t have any time to fix anything…I have to go coach practice now…which I am also unprepared for.
March 11, 2009
Yesterday I really freaked out. School was so stressful and then, of course, I snowballed it to everything else. I stressed myself out so much last night I am still feeling the pain in my chest today. I guess that would be something along the lines of an acute anxiety attack since I am feeling a physical response to my worries. Pretty crazy.
My goal at the beginning of this year was to stay calm. HA! HA!! HA ahahahahahaaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is the end of my Year 4 Part 2 journals. This blog post is continued here: Year 4-Part 3.
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