This post is a continuation of Year 3 Journals.
Year 4 Journals-Part 1
[I start teaching at the high school down the street from my old school.]
[Current commentary in hot pink.]
August 24, 2008
Tomorrow will be my first day back at school already! I am finally going to be in a high school, and I feel happy, anxious, and nervous.
I have a lot of goals for the year that I have been mulling around in my head all summer, so I want to get them down now in order to start working on them first thing tomorrow:
1. Keep the classroom organized. (HA! HA! HA! Oh well. Still worth the effort.)
2. Stay clam in pressure situations. You will be stressed due to getting up early to teach boot camp [side job], teaching, taking classes [grad school], and coaching [side job]. Try and keep it together!
[“Boot camp” was a morning aerobics class I was going to teach at 6am before school. I got too tired and had to give it up. Working refers to my actual teaching job, and I was taking classes at night to earn my masters degree. I also picked up a coaching job to pay for grad school.]
August 29, 2008
It’s been a great week here at my new school. Everyone is really friendly and ready to help. My classroom is almost done, and I just have a little bit to do this weekend.
September 2, 2008
It was really great to be organized at the start of the school year, but I am swamped again in lesson planning as I navigate my way through the rest of the year.
September 3, 2008
Forgot how loooong block classes are, but they are good.
September 11, 2008
I am still dissatisfied with myself as a teacher because I do not feel like I am meeting the needs of everyone in my class (aka Brian-who needs more advanced literature study), nor do I feel that I’ve made a huge break from last year, which I really wanted to do.
To do this I guess I need to see other teachers for new ideas, get educated, spend time brainstorming, and bring in guest speakers.
September 17, 2008
High school is fun but I have a lot to learn.
September 24, 2008
Holy shit-my 6th period class is really loud due to a handful of students. I think I need the co-teacher in that class more than my 4th period.
And Mandy…....... if that kid doesn’t get her way. It would be nice if her mother was on our side, but I guess I will have to work around that. There are a lot of parents I need to contact. I wish I could speak Spanish. Gr.
September 25, 2008
Seems like there is a pattern: On Thursdays I feel so overwhelmed I doubt my ability to be a good teacher and a good girlfriend. I am at school all night when I should be home with family.
Tomorrow I need to start getting in touch with parents. My kids are a little rowdy and I will need the support of parents.
1st month of school=chaos. I am going to keep my fingers crossed that I will be in better shape by mid-October.
Which reminds me: I need to stock my rom with healthy snacks. Instead of going home and going to the gym, I ate ½ chocolate bar and 4 Blow-pops. Now I feel sick. What’s worse? Sucking at school or my health or my personal life? Grrr.
September 26, 2008
Today went a lot better than Wednesday and Thursday. I got myself organized and was a bit more confident. I am leaving at a decent time today.
October 3, 2008
Things are getting crazy. Haven’t seen sunlight in 4 weeks.
October 22, 2008
Planning is still chaotic, but kids are good and have settled into their routines. We’ll see how Word Study goes.
October 29, 2008
I am so burnt out that journaling is all I can do to keep myself here until contract time. Quarterly exams are a bitch and it took me f-ing forever to make them. I still have to grade short stories and tests and journals and post lacrosse signs. I get into trouble when I take on too many responsibilities. I need to avoid this in the future.
October 30, 2008
I feel since school has started that I have been walking a very frazzled line; it’s been unhealthy. I can’t hide my stress and that doesn’t make anyone happy.
November 3, 2008
Since school has started I have felt stuck between a rock and a hard place. I have been really down since school started. How do I make the school year less stressful? I bet I could sell the answer to that question for 1,000,000 dollars if I ever figured it out. [It's 2024 and I still have no answer.]
November 5, 2008
I am seriously doubting my ability to be a good teacher, or in reality, my ability to be a good teacher and be sane. I am on edge. I feel like I did during student teaching. I am frustrated, and I feel that there are too many kids for me to make a difference. When I was student teaching, though, I still had hope that I could do this. Now I am at square one again except I have no hope. I can’t do this. What can I do? I can’t stay here because I don’t think there’s anything else out there; that’s the worst reason to stay. I am not the teacher I want to be and that is the worst part of all this. Schools cannot expect to make a difference by taking on a few good souls. They ask so much that I always feel down; I always feel behind. I never feel that I am reaching expectations; it’s like what Tom said about boot camp: its only purpose is to demoralize. Teaching is one long boot camp. What am I going to do???????????
November 10, 2008
Today was the worst experience I’ve had with a parent in my entire teaching career. I had all these parents come in [for conferences] that were lawyers & professors & engineers, and I thought “Who am I to be telling them what’s what with their child?”
This one parent yelled at me for my assignment guidelines and rubric, telling me that writing is like composing (like I did not know) among other nasty things. She walked out without shaking my hand or saying thank you. I was so angry; she treated me like a know-nothing and left with perceptions of my class that are the total opposite of what I am trying to achieve. [I honestly don't remember this.]
Who am I to judge people? I don’t know. I want to help kids improve themselves; that’s all I want to do. Unfortunately, there is also a curriculum tied to it and a grading system. It’s the education system that we work within.
I just checked my e-mail and got a nice e-mail from an assistant principal congratulating me on “handling myself like a pro” today. It made me feel a ton better.
November 20, 2008
Disaster. I hate when I am unorganized.
My mock trials were a slight disaster. They did not come together as I had planned. I think in order for them to come together, as I would’ve liked, I would’ve had had to spend a lot more time preparing. It was hard to get all of the students involved fairly.
I also don’t think the students carefully read the materials or took it seriously.
I really feel spread thin with this curriculum.
I am always taking on too much. I need to learn to say NO.
December 8, 2008
Life is full but good. I am currently running at maximum capacity in terms of my schedule. I am pretty stressed about money, but I keep telling myself that if I work hard it will be okay. [Wow! I used to be a naive idiot.]
December 10, 2008
I am frustrated right now because of what I perceive to be a lack of resources, space, support, money, and time to do my job well. This is making my crazy because I have 120-something kids, and I don’t feel like I can reach them all. I can’t just let that go. It’s not how I work. It’s not how I want to be. I don’t just want to hang in there trying to survive until summer… I feel hopeless and like I don’t have many other options. What am I going to do?????? [I feel like this this year-2024-but luckily it's been a while.]
December 22, 2008
I am constantly frustrated. I feel grumpy. I don’t like coming home because I feel overwhelmed by the idea of more people. [I lived in a group house with a few friendly roommates at the time.] I feel like I don’t live in this house because I am never here. I didn’t go to yoga today…big surprise. I’ve been very inactive the last few months and that is also driving me bonkers. Teaching sucks. I am overwhelmed by the number of students I have, even though I have what’s considered a light load: 111 kids. I can’t do this.
I like helping kids with their writing and wish I could just do that all the time.
I feel stretched thin at school…just like everyone else. There’s not enough money, there are too many kids, and there’s not enough human resources. Everyone is running on overdrive and still things barely get done.
I am so tired right now. So done.
December 23, 2008
I am so happy to have a minute to myself that I almost feel a little guilty. I am surprised, how, looking back, that I haven’t completely lost my shit. I’ve thrown a lot of mini fits but surprisingly small ones considering the zero minutes I’ve had to myself since August 28th. It just shows how much patience I have acquired over the last three years.
Sometimes I just need some time to myself to recoup without the feeling that at any minute someone is going to walk in and shatter my peace. [My school has almost doubled in size since this entry and we've only added a little more space to put kids so every space is a shared space. I hate it. I hate having people in my face of every minute of every day. It's too stressful for borderline introverts like me who need a few minutes of alone time to recharge or focus.]
I guess I feel selfish a lot because I’m always trying to find balance in life and I am trying to learn to say “no.” This usually pisses people off but makes me happy.
That is the end of my Year 4 Journals-Part 1. More to come.
Comments