Year 2
[I continue teaching middle school English at the same school.]
[The pink brackets are my reactions to these comments in 2024.]
October 3, 2006
I can’t do this. I am overwhelmed and cranky. I am frustrated. They are kids, AND THERE ARE SO MANY OF THEM. WHY ARE THERE SO MANY KIDS EVERYWHERE????? I don’t have the patience to deal with them. I don’t understand WHY THEY DON’T DO THEIR HOMEWORK! I need a job that is lively, and challenging, but I don’t know if I can do this.
December 5, 2006
Today I feel completely overwhelmed…again….still. My lessons are never good: the kids seem lost, and I am miserable. My naivety is really showing. I’m frustrated that I can’t get to everyone. I am frustrated that all the administrators want is more! more! more! and we get nothing for it: no “thank you,” no money…nothing except the satisfaction of doing a good deed for the world (sarcastic tone).
Well, I am sick of it. I am sick of chasing kids; I am sick of not having a life. I have no idea how long I will be able to do this.
December 16, 2006
This last year has flown by, and I can’t believe it is almost New Year’s Eve again. I am still in the same spot as least year in terms of my feelings about teaching. I am so constantly at different ends of the love/hate spectrum that I drive myself a little crazy. One minute I love it, the next I don’t.
This is the first time this year and that I have sat down and reflected on my class load. I am getting frustrated with the whining and the lack of willingness to do homework. I am torn between being a great teacher and at the same time, not letting it take over my life…I am not sure if those two things can coexist.
My 3rd period does so little of their homework that I almost cannot conduct a lesson…maybe I should give them less, but then how are we going to cover everything? And wouldn’t that be giving in? I feel that it is the parents’ job to set up a rewards system. To me, it makes no sense to not work for the grade itself…but I guess I liked other rewards, too, growing up. I’m not sure what I am going to do with them.
There are some really great kids this year, too, as there were last year.
Teaching is good when I create structured and fun lessons...but I never have time to create structured and fun lessons.
January 9, 2007
Hayley [student] gave me cookies that she made for me. Great teaching day.
March 28, 2007
I really miss being an English person. I love the “English” part of being an English teacher, not all of the administrative paper work I have been doing. I need to cut back on grading and increase my researching and reading. I also need to set my sights on high school. I will stay here for 1-2 more years, but I gotta move on soon.
March 14, 2007
I coached my first varsity lacrosse game last Friday: it was a complete disaster. Two girls had to leave in an ambulance because of injured clavicle. Clavicles…seriously!?! I had never even heard of a clavicle injury until that night. It’s upsetting to me because I feel responsible; I hate to see people get hurt.
April 9, 2007
How will I buy a house? I need money.
Maybe I can do some babysitting since that is flexible. The money is not good, though…
I can’t believe I am thinking about waitressing…I can’t do it; I hate waitressing.
Is it always going to be like this is if I am a teacher? Am I always going to be worrying about getting a third job to get ends to meet? I guess I feel like it’s not fair that one career doesn’t cut it. Hopefully I’ll figure something out.
April 11, 2007
I wish I had the hours I needed to decorate my classroom or research or lesson plan.
I feel so worthless that I want to cry. I am still so overwhelmed in general and so backed up on work that I can’t remember anything anymore. I can barely speak properly. I am also severely lacking in any motivation to fix anything. I just feel burnt out, and it’s becoming noticeable to others. I feel like a shitty teacher and co-worker. I don’t want to be known as a slacker or an unreliable teacher, but I guess that’s what I am right now.
I am so tired of students and people that I am almost embarrassed by it. Every time an impatient word comes out of my mouth, I hate myself for it. Maybe I shouldn’t work with kids. I don’t know. Today at school was okay. I just need to hustle and get a bit more done. I want to be on the ball but it feels like an impossible goal.
June 7, 2006
Not a good lesson today. I tried to run a Socratic seminar, but all the kids did was yell over each other and rush through the questions. I know they are only 8th graders, but how can I encourage them to develop their ideas and go into detail? I guess I have to threaten with assessment and always have someone else to help so that I can keep the groups small. How do I use my technology to record? They really need to see themselves; I’ve got to get my hands on a video camera for next year.
I thought I would stay here for two more years and then move on to grad school, but will I even last another year? I feel sapped of all brains. Middle school is fun, but I feel that I am going to tear my hair out. How can I make every unit as good as Things Fall Apart? What if I make the change to high school and don’t like it?
It’s the end of the year. The kids are wild, but I need to stay on top of assessment and behavior or I am going to end the year not wanting to come back.
June 8, 2006
I woke up with a severe chip on my shoulder today because of a comment my roommate made last night. I did not want to go to school and face everyone and put on my happy face, but then a funny thing happened: I felt better when I got to school and saw all of my coworkers.
But today I also had a teacher moment. Yesterday during seminar, the kids were completely out of control and had reverted to second grade behavior. I left school mad. Later, I reflected on the lesson and today I tried to correct what I had done wrong. It turned into a full day of great Socratic seminars. The seminars were about Langston Hughes’ Poem “Mother to Son.” [I did this seminar back in the day when students still talked.]
Third period went surprisingly well. Pete and Payton sat near each other and actually focused. Sadie added to the conversation, as did Ashley. Ellen was polite and considerate and calm. In fourth period everyone was so into the discussion that we were all hollering about dreams and choices and van Gogh.
But the most amazing part of my day was my 6th period. I started crying like an idiot. I had never seen this class so focused and on task--every single one of them. Giles was putting together full statements and Sam sat still. No one talked while someone else was talking and everyone participated. It all started when Hayley said, “Every choice always opens some door and closes others.” I asked if she could think of a time when she had experienced that in her own life. Bless Hayley’s heart; she is so open. She told everyone how she had to choose to live in a different county with her dad or stay here and live with her mom. She chose to stay with her mom because of school and friends.
Hayley sharing caused everyone in the circle to share a major choice they had made. Rachel had to choose staying in the United States over being in Africa with her brothers. Hattie had to choose her dad over her mom. Deanna chose her mom over her dad. Brittany had to choose California over Virginia. Everyone was solemn and respectful after that because it was early in the period, and I had not even let the boys’ circle speak yet.
We switched smoothly to the boys who continued the serious conversation and no one made a crack when Xavier talked about crying. This lasted until the end of the period when I started crying because I couldn’t believe what they had just accomplished.
Imagine being thirteen and having to choose between your parents. I was really worried about all of these kids going on to the high school, but after this I changed my mind. I think they might be OK.
I guess I still want to be a teacher for a little bit more.
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*That's it for year two. Let me know how your second year is going in the comments.
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